The Silent Treatment

I’d like to talk to you about something. And that something is about not talking.

Many consider a good conversationalist to be someone who is great at engaging others in conversation. (Every dinner party needs at least one. I am not one of those people.) 

Yet best-in-class conversationalists are the ones who do more listening than talking. While we all appreciate that member of our crew who can carry the idle chit chat (if not for my sister-in-law Lori I would not have survived some family gatherings), if you think about it, the people you probably like talking to most are the ones who talk the least. (Lori excluded. She excels in both areas. And many more, for that matter.)

Whether it’s your business partner, spouse, BFF or therapist, their wise words and sage advice typically comes after soaking in your verbal (and nonverbal) cues. And to soak it in, they literally must immerse themselves in it. 

Though well-intended, jumping in (a.k.a. interrupting) with “the answer!” is typically not well-received. We all want to feel like we add value. And in this hurried world, we’re even more inclined to get to the punchline as quickly as possible. But really, truly listening, means taking a pause, letting information process and digest and then responding. It’s much easier said, than done. (Guilty!)

And here’s a tangent/corollary of that (look at my math mind go!)...the comfortable silence. Does that make you uncomfortable even thinking about it? I’m proud to say that I have mastered the comfortable silence. But I know it’s a challenge for many.

One of my BFFs and I pride ourselves on being able to spend hours together without uttering a word. We’ve gone on numerous trips together (by car and plane) and acknowledge that part of the magic of our friendship (and ability to travel together) is our ease with the empty space.

But throw a Chatty Cathy into the mix and it’s not pretty — for them, or us! On one such occasion, an old dear friend had to be put on “quiet time.” (That’s all good for toddlers, but 40-somethings don’t seem to take it as well.)

For those of you who squirm in the silence, I encourage you to lean into it. Whether it allows you to digest more of what someone is saying, gives them more space to get their thoughts out or just provides for some well-needed introspection. 

One of my greatest mentors was my boss at Ogilvy. This guy (who happens to be named Guy) was known for taking very long pauses between thoughts or when asked a question. While at times it seemed like he was comatose and we would writhe in discomfort, he never failed to break the silence with some of the wisest insights and lessons I’ve ever learned. 

So let’s all take a page from that book and shut the f*ck up once in a while.